With Valentine's Day coming up and whether you're single, boo-ed up, or being a THOT, we've got MAD LOVE for y'all ((305)) junkies and newbies! Y'all are the heart of our community and keep us beating and pumping (and sweating, duh!)
Speaking of lurv, we know y'all are wondering all about our HBIC Sadie's dating and love life. You may think you know what it's like to be a entrepreneur and business owner and wonder if there's actually time for love, sex, relationships, etc. (Hint: There is... sorta.)
Sadie spills the T on her love life, what she looks for in a partner, and how to balance career aspirations, personal relationships, and life!
Pick one - Vday or Singles Awareness Day?
Valentine’s Day. I mean, cmon!
So on the real, does it suck to be single on Valentine’s Day?
What? No. Some of my favorite Valentine’s Days have been when I was single. One of my favorite memories is living in France. I was 21 and studying abroad. Life was a party: My French was perfect, I had so much sex, ate Nutella non-stop, etc. It was all good food, good sex, good conversation.
I lived in an apartment with 3 French dudes who were all around my age. We were all single and clueless but I learned how much men too are yearning for love; they just tend to convey that desperation differently when they confide with male friends. I was for sure single on that Valentine’s Day as I made us all chocolate ganache, though it turned out the cream I used had spoiled so we all got massive diarrhea that day. Now, that’s a great memory. 💩
But like, not all couples have great Valentine’s Days, right?
Hell no! Some, of my Valentine’s Days with partners have been total misery!
People forget that there are very few things worse than feeling trapped in a relationship that doesn’t serve you. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. When you are alone, you don’t have other people. When you are lonely, you don’t have yourself. So who the heck cares if you are with or without a date on Valentine’s Day?
The real question isn’t “does it suck to be single on Valentine’s?” The real question is: “does it suck to be you? Or do you like being you?” That’s a much deeper question we need to ask ourselves honestly every day.
What sacrifices have you had to make in your personal life to build ((305))?
Well, I’m an old hag who’s gone so long without sex that I’m practically a virgin again.
JK JK, nothing can salvage my virginity at this point.
In all seriousness, yes, building a business is tough as hell. I’ve had to make a lot of choices that required more maturity than I wanted to possess at times. For one, I work at times when people go out. Scheduling a dinner date with me can be nearly impossible because I’m usually teaching at 7:30PM on a weekday. Dating can be tough. Mostly it’s a time thing as it’s hard to find time for a date and it’s even harder to find time to emotionally make room for someone I’m not crazy about. It’s also tough to make time for friends. There are so many people I’d love to see more often -- some of my very best friends live in New York and we can go months without seeing each other -- but my schedule doesn’t allow for it.
What are some things you recently discovered you needed in a partner?
From my last relationship, I learned I prefer to be with someone adventurous. Someone who understands life is all a mystery, we can have everything and lose it all in a day, and we have to be comfortable starting and restarting. Stability is nice but I don’t want to be with someone and say to myself: “I know exactly what this looks like in 5 years from now, in 20 years from now.”
And from the election, he can’t just think what I’m doing is cool. He has to understand that what I’m doing is fundamentally important. He has to prioritize my career as much as his own. He has to be respectful of my time, because that is the ultimate sign of respecting my work. He has to understand how to treat a woman. It’s not my job to teach him to see women as equals. He has to show up like that.
Did the election shape your dating life in other ways?
You know, after the election, a lot of women (including me) were really upset. We felt this election disempowered and shamed us in a new way. I broke bonds with a lot of men in my life at the time, because I realized their reaction and misunderstanding spoke volumes about how they didn’t see the oppression we face as women. It was painful to let go of some friends and some so-called progressive guys I was dating at the time.
But here’s the silver lining: the election gave me a more acute bullshit radar. I developed higher standards overnight. I moved “supportive of my career” as a “nice” quality to an “absolute non-negotiable” quality. After the election, I stepped into a deeper consciousness about what it means to be a woman. I did some reflection on what I want out of life, how I wanted to be treated as a woman, and how I want to set an example for my future daughters. Our personal decisions make a difference in larger human history. Our expectations of men, of life, of how others see us, these ideas shape our lives and the future. I want to be remembered as a woman who respected herself, and part of that is finding a partner who fundamentally sees me as an equal in every way.
What does “self-love” mean to you?
Self-love is about this: seeing the goodness in yourself. Different religions teach us this: God or Jesus or Mohammed is in us. Or some call it Buddha nature. Some call is universal energy. I’m just calling it goodness. Fundamental goodness that exists in the beautiful things you see around you, that fundamental goodness is present is in you, too. Make life about that. Focusing on your strengths and learning to love the goodness in yourself, rather than focusing on the “flaws.” (By the way, the “flaws” are the beauty of your goodness, too). This means that when you encounter a bump in the road, you start from a place of certainty that you are good. Then you tackle the problem. But only first from this place of knowing and seeing yourself, really seeing yourself.
Another thing you can do is to feel your emotions that are uncomfortable. You get lonely, so you reach for your phone. You scroll through your newsfeed, your email, your next Spotify track. Or you can just feel what it’s like to feel lonely. Okay, so what’s that like? Interesting. When you come from a place of loving yourself -- as if you were your own best friend -- then loneliness or other feelings don’t feel as scary to feel. So you say: “oh, hey loneliness, what’s up?” and then you invite loneliness to sit on your lap. “There, there loneliness. I know you, I know you well. So what’s up? What do you want to talk about today?” And you just go about it like that. Nice and simple. Accepting all the parts of yourself -- however uncomfortable they are to look at -- as part of you. And since you are fundamentally good, it’s okay to invite those things in. It starts with a certainty and trust in yourself and in life. Then you dive deeper into yourself. You begin to see challenges and emotions not as obstacles, but as something expanding your experience of self.
For those of us dating, how can we keep up the fire?
Here’s a practical tip:
- Go to babeland (in SoHo); or any sex-postive shop near you!
- Shop around.
- Talk to a sales associate. Ask them what a couple like you can do to spice up your sex life. Most likely you’ll go home with some high-quality lube (best sex toy around!), a new vibrator or sex toy, and some kinky fun stuff like card games or dice or handcuffs. It’s really fun to do together and it will FOR SURE light a new fire to things.
For those of us dating, how can we spend better quality time together?
[Sorry, this applies to heterosexual dating, cuz it’s all I know. And I’m speaking in broad terms (but from experience).]
I find that women like to have intimate time. We like one-on-one dinner. We like staring closely into each other’s eyes. We like to talk for hours and hours. So sometimes, you do this with a partner.
Then I find that men like to be more casual. You watch two dudes on a couch. They’re sitting far apart. They’re not talking. They’re just...spending time together. It’s the opposite of the candle-lit, deep staring, non-stop talking of two women. But sometimes, you gotta do the dude stuff, too. #Balance
One of the ways couples can work together is to understand this give-and-take. Sometimes, we have the intimate dinner. Sometimes we sit quietly on the couch.
Whether you're dating or single this Valentine's Day, we got'chu boo! Sign up for our "F*ck Love" classes in NYC, DC, and Boston studios!